12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava fromBulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when DarylGibson comes inside of him'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovelyhorse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn'tthat nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of theOxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) isplaying so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out hisballs and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time TeamLive' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to havesnowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where'sthat eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have toleave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing sohard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much bettertoday after a 69 yesterday'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look Northsaid: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold nightlike this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on SkySports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance hegets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a maleastronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only comein his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie FannySunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes touse Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Showing posts with label laugh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laugh. Show all posts
Saturday, 15 March 2008
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Have a laugh!
I was reading an email from a buddy with a warped sense of humour ... bit like my own hahaha ... David ... this is your 3rd mention on t'internet!!!
The first was a great wee poem ....
As I mature ....
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you,
All you can do is stalk them, and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just arseholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build trust,
and only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes,
After that you better have a big willy or huge boobs!
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others,
the are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomitting,
long after you think you have finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do
Unless we are 'celebrities'.
I've learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship at first,
The passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in the house,
one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life,
are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away!
Ladies ... have a look at this one :o) PMSL
...... and have a think about this!
Lads ... be careful next time and keep this in mind .......
... and don't you just hate a show off!! PMSL
and the last one .......
The first was a great wee poem ....
As I mature ....
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you,
All you can do is stalk them, and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just arseholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build trust,
and only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes,
After that you better have a big willy or huge boobs!
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others,
the are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomitting,
long after you think you have finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do
Unless we are 'celebrities'.
I've learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship at first,
The passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in the house,
one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life,
are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away!
Ladies ... have a look at this one :o) PMSL
...... and have a think about this!
Lads ... be careful next time and keep this in mind .......
... and don't you just hate a show off!! PMSL
and the last one .......
Sunday, 15 April 2007
Blades of Glory
I went to the Cinema yesterday, with a friend, to pass a boring Saturday afternoon. Blades of Glory was the film of the day for us and off we trotted to Screen 5 to watch, arms laden with popcorn, pepsi, hotdogs, pic-n-mix and a box of 'Krax' (gorgeous corn snack type thingys).
Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrel) takes to the rink as the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy(Jon Heder).
These two tie for the gold medal in the Olympics and as they are sworn enemies one ends up shoving the other off the podium and they end up in a bit of a fight on the ice. After being banned for life they go their separate ways but long to be on the ice competing again.
They get it together as a pairs team (no rules against single sexed pairs) and fight for supremacy on the ice again.
These two had to get together to make a great pairing and tackle the World Championships and take Gold. The story is crazy, weird, ridiculous but side splittingly funny. I laughed all the way through the movie.
Well worth it if you want a good belly chuckle without having to use your brain for plot etc!! :o)
Saturday, 24 March 2007
Cheering Up
I decided after a few weeks of worry I was gonna cheer myself up. Well the post that fell through the letterbox kinda put that thought on hold - the dreaded letter from my GP's surgery.
After reading the contents (NO I am not waiting for the all clear from the STD clinic)I burst out laughing and wondered if the doc knew what he was letting himself in for!!
The letter wants me to go to the surgery for a medical checkup. Now I am not a regular at the docs - you know the kind, using the waiting room as their social event of the week - I hate the place.
I am the kinda guy who will not go to the docs unless I am actually dying .... and even then I hate going. I don't like all the poking and proding (ooer missus) and the last time I was there with a STOMACH complaint ... he asked me to drop my trousers!!!!!! Not sure I trust a guy who thinks my stomach is below my waist line - although on the plus side ... if he didn't know I was ticklish . he does now :o)
Anyway ... he is asking all about my family medical issues ... oh how I rolled on the floor laughing - I made a list hee hee ... I hope he is ready and willing to clear his appointments to check all 24 items that have made it onto my list ... my dad has a lot to answer for ...
BUT ... who knows .. I may be willing to drop my trousers and boxys if there is a lovely looking doc replacing my old and wrinkly .... I'll keep you posted :o)
After reading the contents (NO I am not waiting for the all clear from the STD clinic)I burst out laughing and wondered if the doc knew what he was letting himself in for!!
The letter wants me to go to the surgery for a medical checkup. Now I am not a regular at the docs - you know the kind, using the waiting room as their social event of the week - I hate the place.
I am the kinda guy who will not go to the docs unless I am actually dying .... and even then I hate going. I don't like all the poking and proding (ooer missus) and the last time I was there with a STOMACH complaint ... he asked me to drop my trousers!!!!!! Not sure I trust a guy who thinks my stomach is below my waist line - although on the plus side ... if he didn't know I was ticklish . he does now :o)
Anyway ... he is asking all about my family medical issues ... oh how I rolled on the floor laughing - I made a list hee hee ... I hope he is ready and willing to clear his appointments to check all 24 items that have made it onto my list ... my dad has a lot to answer for ...
BUT ... who knows .. I may be willing to drop my trousers and boxys if there is a lovely looking doc replacing my old and wrinkly .... I'll keep you posted :o)
Tuesday, 20 February 2007
Education, Education, Education !!!
A mate sent this to me as an email and I felt a need to share ..... what is the education system coming to ??? I feel ashamed that I play a part in educating such eejits ..... What do you think???
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
THE BELT WAS BANNED IN SCOTTISH SCHOOLS 20 YEARS AGO ... PERHAPS ...............
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
THE BELT WAS BANNED IN SCOTTISH SCHOOLS 20 YEARS AGO ... PERHAPS ...............
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