Sunday, 25 February 2007

The shame of it

OMG ... never before have I travelled to the mighty Murrayfield and watched such a dire and embarrassing game as I did yesterday!!! Scotland v Italy in the 6 Nations tournament!! I thought I was in a nightmare ---- Scotland 0 ... Italy 21 and that was after less than 6 minutes of the match being played.

I was in the South Stand and oh what joy ... right next to a mass of Italian supporters .. whoopee :o) If I hadn't been there with 30 kids I would have been a little more "vocal" in my encouragement of the home side and could have replied a little more ... erm .... colourfully to our Italian visitors.

I think the less I continue with this blog the better ....
I will put it all behind me and look forward (with dread) to the Scotland v Ireland game !!

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

Education, Education, Education !!!

A mate sent this to me as an email and I felt a need to share ..... what is the education system coming to ??? I feel ashamed that I play a part in educating such eejits ..... What do you think???

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight


Monday, 19 February 2007

Road Rage !!

You just know that you are in for a long wait when you come across this on the motorway!!!

I have to drive along a stretch of the M90 in Scotland to get to and from my work. For the past 2 weeks and for the next few to come I have been met with miles of cones and queuing traffic.

I thought that if I left earlier in the morning I would beat the queues and make the journey that bit quicker ... erm ... NO ... most of the other drivers must have had the same idea as me!!

At about 2 miles from the actual roadworks the brake lights start to light the road red and suddenly the M90 motorway resembles a huge carpark. There is something about crawling along a motorway that does my head in!! I consider myself to be a patient and courteous driver BUT when senseless twats think "I'll skip the queue and drive up the outside lane which is closing" it annoys the f*@k outta me!!

The red mist drops and under NO circumstances is any driver racing up the outside, gonna cut in front of me :o)- I only wish other drivers had the same outlook as me ... and these idiots would be left parked up in the "fast" lane which is closing with nothing to do but wait and wait and wait - it would serve the selfish gits right!!

I thought I was gonna enjoy my last day of the mid-term holiday .... but waiting for and hour in nose-to-tail traffic on the way to Perth has put that idea right out of the window!!

I apologise to the two drivers who had to witness me gesticulating out of the drivers side window in a "wanker" like fashion :o) I only hope that I do not arrive at work to find it was a parent of any children at the school :o) oooops ha ha ha

Sunday, 18 February 2007

The week gone by.......

Well, I am sitting in my study looking out of the window onto the beautiful Ochil Hills and on a gorgeous Scottish day - sun shining, blue skies and whispy white clouds - thank goodness it is mid-term and the schools are on holiday .... although I have to go back to work on Tuesday for teacher inservice training (what a skive .. joke ... a very valuable use of my time NOT!!)

I have just had my usual weekend chat on the phone to my dad who is busy preparing the Sunday Dinner. I have a knack of phoning when the meal is being prepared and for some unknown reason (hahahaha) ... I happen to :-
a) get an invite for a family Sunday dinner .. or ...
b) invite myself for a family Sunday dinner!!
.... today it was the former of the two .... although dad did mention that my wee sis will be there with her boyfriend too ... well .. I suppose I can manage to be civil at the dinner table!! (he is a pratt ... a likeable pratt .. but a pratt nonetheless)

I was a bit of a NUMPTY during the week and feel compelled to tell you about it!! I was at work and received an email from a colleague at another establishment inviting me for a coffee, cake and bit of banter at a cafe a few miles away. I decided I was in need of this and so abandoned my staff (who were busy absorbing some of the latest IT technology to hit schools) and off I drove.

The meeting time was 4.15pm and I arrived with about 5 minutes to spare. I amazingly got parked in the main street of Auchterarder (quaint Perthshire town close to Gleneagles Hotel) and I trotted down to "Cafe Kisa". I made a point of looking around the said establishment for my colleagues but thought I must be first to arrive and was directed to a table for 3 beside the window so that I could see my friends arriving.

The place was quite busy with a few mums and their screaming offspring to my left, an elderly gentleman who was obviously hard of hearing and tended to shout, in front of me, a few ladies who lunch dotted around the place and a large table of foreign students having a natter in what sounded like French ... to my untrained ear.

At 4.30pm the "nice" waitress asked, "Do you think your friends have forgoten you?" in a smarmy and condecending way. I laughed and said they had probably been caught in traffic - the A9 is full of road works at the moment. At 4.40pm I was getting funny looks from the staff and decided I had better order something as I was beginning to look like a bit of a numpty on my tod in the cafe!!! I left the cafe after a lovely latte and an "Itallian" toasted sandwich and salad - having eaten ALONE!!

The following day I emailed the said colleagues and found out that I had missed a further email telling me the meeting was scheduled for Wednesday and not the Tuesday in which I had gone. Asking if I was joining them .... I replied NO ... there is no way I could have gone back to the cafe, as nice as it was, for fear of ridicule from the staff :o) I'll give it a good few months before I darken their doorstep again.

I can however reccommend "Cafe Kisa" in the high street of Auchterarder for a pleasant coffee and a light bite to eat.

The next coffee, cake and banter afternoon will be organised by me ... I am less likely to make a balls-up of the time/day if I do the booking myself :o)

Saturday, 17 February 2007

Grab a Granny

I love this woman ... I aint into grab a granny nights but a night in with Joany Taylor played by the wonderfully talented Catherine Tait would be well worth the stick from my mates - I know I like an older woman but even I have limits!! How I would love to have a nan like her. Her catchphrases are brilliant and so close to the bone at times she leaves me in stitches - "What a fecking liberty!"

Her debut on the Paul O'Grady show was a must see for all fans of Joany. Blowing up her beloved chair and then erupting into a volley of foul language and abuse ... I love it :o)

My Birth into the World of Blogging!!

Yeah, yeah ... I know ... it has taken me a while to get here but hey .... I have been "blog curious" for some time and spend ages reading some wacky blogs and decided to take the plunge and get going on my own!!

Posting is all a bit new to me and I am still getting used to this and have yet to complete setting this up ... but it's all good fun. ...... I'll let you know more later ........ GOD ... I have so much still to do!

Better not waste any time .... in the words of a crap actor ... "I'll be back" :o)